Don’t Mess With Bank Security Guards Even If They’re Wrong!


Quite a while back I was sitting at home thinking to myself how good some Doritos, Pepperettes, Crunchie bars and Bawls (The energy drink you sicko…) would be. With a craving in mind I set out to get some exercise and walk there to maybe burn some of the calories I knew I was about to demolish. It was summer time and it was a star filled evening. Like most people, I needed to get some cash out of the bank because I probably wasted the last several bills on something useless and consumable. Approaching my bank I noticed one of those massive security trucks parked outside but didn’t think too much about it besides how I could maybe hide in a blind spot and round house kick the guard when he came back and make off with whatever I could get my hands on. I obviously didn’t have the skills of a locksmith in Arlington (nor did I view publisher site), but I just thought it could be possible. It was a ludicrous thought. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get away with it without careful planning so I went along inside to the ATM as I initially intended.

Getting a little more focused on how good tasting my soon to be munchies would be I thrust my debit card into the slot and realized there was no resistance and it disappeared. Wondering what just happened and hoping that the screen asking for my pin would come up I realized that the Security guards must be doing something with the ATM right now. I walked a bit over to the glass and knocked lightly and said “Hello? Excuse me is anyone there?”. Two female guards, who’d slung AR-10 rifles, came out from around the corner and I explained that I think my card went straight through the ATM card slot and into whatever is behind. One of them gave me an odd look but said to wait a second and she will check. A minute later only one of them came back and told me that there was no card anywhere. I pleaded politely that I’m 100% sure that it’s back there somewhere because it flew through the slot like there was nothing to catch or receive it. She got a little more serious and said, “Sir, there is nothing back there”. I asked if she could please just check again so I could get my card back.


At this point I guess I was pushing her buttons, questioning her ability to observe and probably starting to seem suspicious. She put her hand on her gun flipped the holsters clip that held the gun and exclaimed  “There’s no card and you need to leave right now”. Not that she was actually going to shoot me unless I started going crazy and trying to get through the glass but I bet my eyes grew to the size of golf balls when I realized she probably thinks I’m trying to rob her. “Okay okay!” I responded and backed away slowly, turned around and walked outside.

Yeah that was a bit of excitement I didn’t expect and the worst part is I didn’t get any of the snacks I wanted. I had to return to the bank the next day where they told me no one knew anything about finding a card anywhere and had to issue me a temporary one for the time being. To this day I still wonder where that trusty card ended up and hope that it knows I didn’t abandon it; it was taken.

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